Sunday, October 30, 2005

How to Give a Pill to a Cat

You may be more successful than I have ever been at medicating a cat. The following instructions are part of the public domain, as far as I know.

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
9. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
10. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
11. Call fire department to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
12. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth open with small wrench. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet mignon. Hold head vertically and pour ½ pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
13. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture store on way home to order new table.

6 comments:

Stargazer said...

LOL, being a cat person, and owning a few in my time, I can appreciate your post. Very funny :), and well written. Your description brought back my own experiences with my cats. Thanks for sharing.

Carolyn said...

I've read something like that before. Thankfully my cat is pretty good at taking pills, its the dog that hates it. Although washing the cat has left me with a scar on my breast from him trying to run away. (he managed it and and ran up the corridor wet and covered in soap - very funny in a bleeding painful way)

Mark Daniels said...

14. Call veterinarian to make appointment to have cat put to sleep...I'm kidding!

Mark Daniels

Onotheo said...

The solution really is very simple.
Let the cat take a sleeping pill and when it falls asleep it should be easy to force the pill into its stomach.

Anonymous said...

My business happens to be the making of herbal remedies for cats & dogs & I have developed powders that are mixed in their food, like canned or wiskas treats.

A pill they can eat around, a powder they cannot...

For those that will only give their pets conventional medicine & have a cat who needs to take pills, simply crush them & again mix them into a treat like tuna or canned cat food.

Aidana

Socks, Abby, Blackie, Dexter and Bonnie said...

ROTFL!!!

I am going to share that with my human. She seems to think she is good at giving me pills...